


heartbeats & soul-shattering screams (phan oneshot)

by LOUVREPHIL



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phandom - Freeform, Sad Ending, oof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 15:10:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13010415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LOUVREPHIL/pseuds/LOUVREPHIL
Summary: summary: dan, upset about law school, turns to phil to release his emptiness. phil tries his best to comfort him. angst ensues.word count: 800+ (i hate how short this is hnNNG)warnings: angst, could be triggering to people with trichotillomania, more angst, dan crying lol, self hatred, feelings of emptinessextra notes: hahahahahhaahhaah i love channeling my sadness into fanfiction (i rlly hate how short this is i crave death) (not actual death y'all can't be going to the hospital again)extra extra notes: don't make any yoi references please i KNOW that someone will





	heartbeats & soul-shattering screams (phan oneshot)

**Author's Note:**

> hiiiii pj here to say u should check this out on wattpad if u can't see the italics/bold (;
> 
> it's @LOUVREPHIL (((;

"i can't do this anymore! i'm so  _tired_  of doing this!"

ear shattering screams and broken hearts are definitely not something phil expected out of his night. phil, out of all people, actually hadn't a clue on how to comfort dan. especially during nights like this where he was sobbing and on edge.

especially when he wanted to give up.

"hey, hey, hey. shh... you'll be alright," phil whispers, running his fingers through dan's hair. he hums  _interrupted by fireworks_ which would usually cheer dan up, but not this time. dan was completely finished with his life.

"phil, i can't do this! i don't wanna take law anymore!" dan sobs, pulling at the strands of hair he can manage to reach through phil's fingers.

"dan, i know you can't but it's onl–"

"what?" dan scoffs, " _only_  five years? and then however fucking long law school is?"

phil sighs, "dan, you i know–"

"you don't get it!" dan shouts. "i feel like... an empty shell of a man, and that's not even the worst part! the emptiness has somehow taken over, and i just– i just can't get out of bed! even if you gave me popcorn, or asked to watch a movie, or offered to make me dinner! i wouldn't get out of that damn bed because i feel  _so empty_ and i just can't do this anymore!"

phil takes a moment (or five) to digest what dan has said. how in the hell was he supposed to respond to this?

"i feel stuck," and for a better lack of words, dan continues. "i feel like i'm in this cycle. it's this cycle that never ends, but somehow i can see what's going to happen before it does. like, if i were to be driving, i could see a car cut me off and cause me to crash before it happens. i know when i'm going down these rabbit holes, yet i can't stop myself because i've become so accustomed to this feeling of emptiness. it's pitiful."

"i think i'm the driver," phil mumbles.

"what?"

"nothing," phil blatantly lies. he picks up the law book dan chucked onto the ground, setting it on their coffee table. "dan, you know you can break  _any_  cycle, right? it's good that you have awareness, since that's the first step. you can stop this emptiness, you can get help."

"but i like feeling this way," dan tugs at his hair, hissing at the pain. "i– i secretly want to keep feeling this way because i deserve it. i deserve this pain, i deserve to feel empty."

"dan. out of all of the people in the world, you wouldn't even make the top thousand of those who deserve to feel pain. hell, your name isn't even on that list!" phil takes dan's hands away from his head and brings them down to his side slowly. "please stop hurting yourself. i just want you to be happy."

dan tugs his hands away from phil's side, "don't tell me that. i don't deserve to be happy, and i don't even deserve to be alive."

"dan..." phil warns.

"what?" dan seethes, "you think i'm actually  _worthy_ of being someone? you think i'm worthy of  _doing_ something good for this world? phil, you're wrong! i'm a nobody, i'll always be a nobody, and i've always been a nobody."

phil held the fragmented pieces of dan's mind with caution, as if not to damage the delicacy of a masterpiece called dan's mind. he listened to dan's soft cries and his heart stopped.

"you're so worthy, dan." phil grabbed dan's hand and put it on his heart. "do you feel that? your heartbeat? it means you're alive, and that you have a purpose. even if you drop out of law school, or have depression, or want to die, you have a purpose to fulfill to this universe.

when the universe created you, it intended something. it intends something for everyone; even me, a clumsy boy who you still seem to love. so when it created you, it intended to give you a bit more challenges since it knew your soul could handle it. it knew that your fighting would pay off, and you'd be happier than ever in the end.

so you have to keep fighting this. you have to live with the emptiness or kill it off, because the universe knows you can.  _i_  know you can."

for a few minutes, dan remained quiet. silence fell throughout their shared apartment, and phil could feel the empty tension pulling ever so slowly.

he looks at dan, mumbling an "i love you" to which dan's eyes shimmer with sadness. he didn't respond, but ended up crying.

 "i don't know if i can," through his tears, dan looks down. "i really don't know if i can."


End file.
